


Ultimate Concern

by agentofvalue



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Drama, Family, Gen, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-16 02:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentofvalue/pseuds/agentofvalue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was never something Sarah considered. She could barely take care of herself and she was going to have a child. What was she going to do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sarah ducked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. What the hell was she doing here in this busted apartment where she didn't know anyone? She wasn't sure whose apartment this was. She'd come with some friends to the party last night by climbing up a fire escape. They'd been wasted; she'd be sober for the first time in weeks. She'd felt sick and curled up in a corner bedroom, the only empty room in the apartment.

When she finally reappeared, her friends were gone. She'd stayed at the party, not knowing where else to go. She stayed and listened to the conversations fueled by alcohol and hard drugs. Eventually, she'd gone back to her corner as people began to pass out. She fell asleep wondering what the fuck she was doing.

She woke maybe two hours later to the sounds of raised voices. The others in the apartment were getting restless. Something was missing after the party last night. She wasn't sure what or even who the people were.

She frowned as she tried to listen to what they were saying. She caught her reflection in the cracked mirror on the back of the bathroom door. She looked like a stranger. A woman with hollow cheeks, creased forehead, and heavy eyes looked back. Her hair was knotted under her beaning. At least she recognized the leather jacket.

She lifted up the corner of her sweater and then her t-shirt. Underneath, her stomach was tight and round. She couldn't deny it anymore and she would only be able to hide it a little longer.

"Shit," she said quietly, barely moving her lips.

She was not prepared for this. How could she be prepared for this? She was an orphan. What did she know about family? Of being a mother? There was also the part where she was couch surfing, had a minor drug issue, and almost no money. The last con had gone completely sideways and she'd only just managed to out of there. She was still trying to get back on her feet. Yeah, 'cause that's a good way to raise a kid.

"Shit," she said again, more loudly and cracked her fists against the sink. It wasn't properly attached anymore and it banged against the wall.

"Where'd she go? The bitch who was in here," someone on the other side of the door yelled.

"I think she's in the bathroom. But she has nothing to do with this," said another voice from farther away.

"How the fuck do you know?" The first voice was getting louder.

No one answered. Someone banged on the door, which Sarah had enough sense to lock. She guessed it was whomever the first voice belonged to.

"What the hell are you doing?" he screamed.

"Relax, yeah?" Sarah yelled back.

"You fucking have it! Get out here!"

That was the last thing Sarah was going to do. He was still high on whatever and pissed as hell about whatever was lost. She was going to stay in the bathroom until he calmed down or got bored.

"Get out here!" he repeated.

"Oi, fuck off!" she yelled back.

Not the best way to handle it, granted, but she just wanted to be left alone.

He let out an animal-like howl and started trying to force the door open. Once. Twice. The door flew open. The stranger was the big, military type. His unreasonable anger hit her as hard as the door had. He reached down and grabbed her, yanking her to her feet and out of the bathroom. She stumbled into the living room and nearly fell, but caught herself on the back of a couch.

"Where the fucking is the coke?" he yelled.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," Sarah said, glad that her voice came out sounding defiant.

"We had a shit ton of coke last night and now it's gone."

"I didn't take it. Why would I still be here if I took your fucking dru—" She didn't finish the word.

He cleaned the gap between them and hit her in the face. She heard the sound before she registered the contact. Caught off guard, she staggered and almost fell again. The others leaped up and dragged the first away. He was still fighting hard and yelling.

"This is your fault," he was yelling at his roommate now. "They fucking trashed the fucking place and took the fucking drugs! We are in deep shit!"

He broke free and went towards Sarah again. Just a few weeks ago, she might have stood her ground. She might have thrown herself into a fight she knew she couldn't win. Today, a little voice said run. It said you have someone else to worry about.

So, Sarah ran. She ran out the apartment door even though the only exit was the fire escape. Half the building was abandoned. Everyone who lived here was squatting.

She ran through the dark hallway. The only source of light came from the broken boards covering a thin window at the end of the hall. She found the stairs and tore down them with her boots banging loudly on the metal grates. She still heard voices when she reached the bottom, so she kept going.

Weaving her way around some long-abandoned contraction material, she found a door boarded up like the window on the second floor. She gave it a few good kicks and it opened a little and got stuck. She squeezed out and kept running.

Sarah needed a place to go. She needed somewhere out of the Canadian cold. She needed somewhere safe. Her friends—the friends she was staying with—had left her. There probably wasn't even anyone home to let her into the apartment. They were probably still out partying. It was barely seven o'clock in the morning. She didn't know where Felix was. They hadn't spoken in over a year. She'd sort of checked out after her eighteen birthday, once she was officially out of the foster system.

She finally slowed her pace until she stopped on a corner. She had to make a choice. She had so few options. Go back to her friends' apartment and wait for someone to get home. Too cold. She could find a coffee shop. No money. She could find a pay phone and try to get a hold of Felix. Still no money.

She closed her eyes for a moment. There was only one place she could think of. Mrs. S's house. She could go crawling back. On her eighteenth birthday, Sarah had made it very clear she had no intention of coming back. She'd seen Mrs. S three or four times in the almost four years since then. She had mostly gone to see Fee while he'd still been living with her.

But the last time, there had been a fight. One of the epic fights they hadn't had in years. Mrs. S had pressed Sarah for information had her life, where she was living, what she was doing. Mrs. S had not approve of even the half-truths Sarah gave her. The battle that followed was worst then the ones they used to be when Sarah was in school.

Even then, as Sarah stormed out of the house, Mrs. S had told her the door was always open. She was always welcome.

Sarah had laughter at the thought of ever going back to that bitch's house. But she hadn't meant it. Mrs. S and Felix were the closest thing she had to family. She needed them even if she wasn't able to say it out loud.

What Sarah needed now was somewhere warm and safe. She needed a mother. Someone to show her what to do. Someone to tell that it was going to be okay. Mrs. S wasn't always the warmest woman, but she cared for Sarah in her own way.

Sarah could go to her house and be welcomed. That might change once she told Mrs. S why she needed a place to stay. But she had to try for her sake and for the little life she was positive was inside her.

Sarah set off. She had to walk. She still didn't have any money. No money for the bus. Definitely no money for a cab. So, she walked.

Over an hour later, she moved up the little walkway to Mrs. S's front door. Sarah hesitated. It wasn't her house anymore; she didn't live here. She knocked. It was the first time since she started walking that she pulled her hands from her pocket. She realized how stiff and frozen they were. Rapping her knuckles on the wood of the door was painful. Still, she knocked loudly.

There was a pause, and then Mrs. S opened the door. She was pulling a thick sweater over her shoulders. It was a weekday, but Siobhan kept her own hours. Her day hadn't started yet.

"As I live and breath," she said. "If it isn't Sarah Manning, the prodigal—" she stopped herself, getting a good look at Sarah's face. There must be a mark where she'd been hit. Mrs. S's entire attitude changed. She opened the screen door and stepped aside to let Sarah into the house. "Sarah, love, what happened?"

Sarah took one step into the house and felt the red, hot tears roll down her cheeks. Her lip quivered. Mrs. S pull a warm hand on Sarah's arm.

"Love, what happened?" said Mrs. S.

Sarah had no memory of her birth parents. There was next to no information about them. She could hardly remember anyone but Mrs. S. This gesture—Sarah had to guess—was something a mother would do. And somehow it made everything better and worse at the same time.

"I need to place to crash for awhile. Can I come home? Just for a little while?" Home. She hadn't meant to say it.

"Always, love. But you have to tell me what happened?"

Sarah remembered to pull her lip back in. It always stuck out when she was upset, like a toddler. "Can I take a shower, yeah? I have a lot to tell you."

Mrs. S just nodded.

Without saying anything else, Sarah turned and went up the stairs. She should've said it right there. Got it out in the open. She hadn't said it out loud yet. Saying it out loud made real. Say it to Mrs. S definitely made it real.

She felt unsteady as she took each stair. Probably a combination of hunger, sobriety, and her changing body. Without thinking, she went into her bedroom. How many thousands of times had she walked up these stairs, down this hallway?

The room—her old room—was at the back of the house. It was the strange mix of her childhood and her teenage years and all the stuff she hadn't taken with her. The bed was a twin with a little hutch above the headboard filled with stuffed animals, yet there were punk rock posters on the walls.

She looked down at the bed and couldn't resist. She was so tired. Not just from last night, not from her run or her long walk here. She was exhausted to her core. She couldn't live like this; no one could. It was out of control and she stood there watching the chaos. She was in the middle of it and she couldn't pull out. She didn't even try. But she had to now. Not for her own sake. She didn't matter. Her baby mattered.

Sarah dropped onto the edge of the bed. She yanked off her beanie and then her boots one at a time. She pulled off her sweater a laid it over the pillow to protect it. Then, she settled herself on the bed and closed her eyes.

She was on the edge of sleep when she heard Mrs. S knock softly. Sarah didn't move. Mrs. S pushed the door open. Sarah heard her sigh softly. She entered the room and lowered the shades. She left. Sarah relaxed and let herself rest.

She opened her eyes and it took a moment to remember where she was. Her old bedroom at Mrs. S's. She rolled onto her side. The clock on the nightstand blinked 12:00. No one had stayed here in a long time.

She had to guess she'd be asleep most of the day. The light rimming the closed shades was warm like late afternoon. She still didn't feel any better. She was still worn out. Her face hurt where she'd been hit and she couldn't quite open her eye all the way. Maybe a shower would help. Or maybe she just needed to not be such a fuck-up. That would solve everything.

Sarah slowly sat up and swung her legs over the side of the thin bed. She knew there were some of her clothes left in the dresser. Mrs. S had asked for her to get all her stuff out of the house. Sarah had nowhere to take her belongs, so it had stayed here. She was surprised and grateful that nothing had been removed or even touched.

She dug an old pair of jeans with ripped knees and a Clash t-shirt out of one of the drawers. The bathroom, which had once been filled with countless bottles of hair product, make up and other things—mostly Felix's—was now almost empty. It was like a hotel bathroom. Only the essentials. Mrs. S had purged everything else.

Sarah closed the door and dropped the clean clothes on top of the clean towel waiting for her on the back of the toilet. She stripped off her black jeans and then, more cautiously, her dirty t-shirt. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She turned to face a full-lengthen mirror stuck to the back of the door. She had the full effect now. Her cheek has a brilliant bruise on it. It was swollen too. Still, it might have been so much worse. Then, she looked down. Her stomach was round. Only a couple of inches, but she noticed it. She couldn't help it. She was so thin. She didn't eat much. Money wasn't usually used for food. She looked. She actually stared for the first time. She was brave enough. She put both hands over her belly.

She would just have to do better. No more fucking up. As if it was that easy. As if she hadn't told herself that a thousand times before. She might be able to it for the next four or five months. No. Longer. Her child was not going up be an orphan.

"Shit," she said loudly.

She had to do this. The baby needed it. She had to put herself aside for that. She had always been good at taking care of others. Felix wouldn't have made it through school without her watching out for him. Sarah knew nothing about being a mum. Nothing.

Siobhan has always been Mrs. S. She had always been a legal guardian. She had always been a foster mother. Those simple words changed everything. Legal. Foster. It meant a distance. A disconnect. Yes, Mrs. S had cared for Sarah, but Sarah had always foolishly hoped to find her real family. She'd heard other adopted kids defend their adoptive parents passionately. 'They are my real parents. Do you mean my biological family?' Mrs. S was not her real mother. But she was all Sarah had and Sarah needed her now. She just hoped Mrs. S was willing to take the role.

Sarah sniffed. She realized hot tears were in her eyes. Her lip was poking out again. She wiped away the tear and turned away from the mirror.

She finished undressing and got into the shower. When she was clean and dressed, she went to face Mrs. S.

Sarah hovered in the door to the kitchen. Mrs. S was stirring something on the stove. It was dinnertime. Sarah really had slept for hours.

"You hungry?" Mrs. S asked without turning around.

"Yeah," said Sarah, who honestly could not remember when she last ate. "It smells good."

"Thanks," Mrs. S said, turning around. A look of pity crossed her face.

"Eh, it's not that bad," Sarah said, touching her cheek where it was most painful.

"Alright, what happened?" She asked and pointed to a chair.

Sarah sat. Mrs. S took the chair next to her.

"It wasn't my fault," Sarah said. "Really. He thought I'd stolen, um, something. But I didn't. I was just in the wrong place."

"You always seem to be," said Mrs. S, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I guess I do. Um, there's something—"

The phone rang. Mrs. S held up a finger to say hold that thought. She got up from the table and got the receiver. She took it into the living room, but Sarah still heard everything.

"Hello? No, she's here in my kitchen. I wouldn't lie. I think for a little while. I won't let her leave. I can't hold her down. Come when you can. I'll ask her to wait. Okay. Bye."

Mrs. S came and sat back down.

"Felix," said Sarah. It wasn't a question.

"Of course. I told him you were here. He's been worried about you."

"Fee? No way."

"We both have been. You've gone deep, Sarah. We were worried you won't come back up."

Sarah didn't have an answer. It was true. But she going to try now. She stared at her hands, folded on the table.

"Sarah? What is it, love?"

"I'm pregnant." Her voice was quiet. She didn't look up. She could feel Mrs. S's eye boring into her. She knew if she looked up, she would start to cry. She was barely holding on as it was. She'd let everyone down. Her kid didn't have a change. "I'm sorry, Siobhan. I know this is the royal fuck up." She was crying anyway.

Mrs. S didn't say anything. She didn't move.

Sarah was starting to panic. Fight or flight. She wanted to bolt. Start running and keep running. Maybe she could out run everything, her life. She got up and started to move away. Get her things. Start running. She started babbling, "I'll go, yeah? I shouldn't of come. I'm not your problem. I'll figure it out."

She made it two steps before Mrs. S grabbed her arm. She was on her feet too. She pulled Sarah in and held her tight. Sarah sobbed into her shoulder like the lost little girl that she was. And Mrs. S just held her.

"You're safe, love. You are safe," Mrs. S said.

With those words, Sarah managed to calm herself down. Or at least begin to. She took a couple of deep steading breaths.

"Come," Mrs. S said. "Sit down. Talk to me."

Sarah let go of her foster mother and allowed herself to be led to her chair again. Her eyes met with Mrs. S's.

"Are you sure?" asked Mrs. S.

"I haven't been to the doctor or anything, but yeah. I can tell." She put a hand to her belly. Mrs. S flicked towards the moment.

Mrs. S sighed heavily. It wasn't a disapproving sigh, if that was possible. It was a resigned sigh, like when you roll up your sleeves and get work done.

"You're going to have to step up here, Sarah. You know that, right?"

"I know."

"Not just for a little while. Forever."

Sarah nodded. "I know." It was more or less what she'd been telling herself upstairs. "I'm going to need help with that."

"And I'm will to give it. I'm here whatever you decide. Whatever you need. But we do this together."

"Thank you," said Sarah.

"You don't think I'd throw you out, did you?"

"I didn't know what to think. It was bad, Siobhan. Really bad."

"Drugs?"

Sarah nodded. "I've been clean since the day the thought crossed my mind. I want my baby to have a chance."

"And then that's what we'll do."

"But, I've got nothing. I've no money. Nothing."

"You have a place to stay. You have people who care about you."

Mrs. S reached over and covered Sarah's hand with her own. They didn't say anything for a long time.

"You're a special girl," said Mrs. S at last.

Sarah looked up, surprised. It was probably the nicest thing her foster mother had ever said to her. She shook her head. That wasn't true. She was a screw up, a hustler, a thief.

"I mean it, love. You're a survivor."

Sarah didn't know what to say to that. She was saved by the kitchen timer. It started beeping and Mrs. S let go. Sarah stayed where she was as Mrs. S poured the soup into bowls and then set them on the table. Sarah remembered how hungry she was and dug in.

"And the father?" asked Mrs. S, standing above her.

Sarah shook her head. She didn't have an answer.

Mrs. S raised an eyebrow, but kept the most of disapproval off of her face. Finally, she sat down. They ate in silence. When they were both finished, Sarah got up to clear the dishes. It had always been her chore when she lived here. Habits are hard to break.

"What are you thinking?" she said, not looking at her foster mom.

"Just thinking," said Mrs. S. "Mostly about when you first came to me. Do you remember anything from that time?"

"Not really. Why?"

"I was told you couldn't have kids."

"What does that mean?" Sarah heckles went up.

"I don't know, really. You weren't healthy when you came to me. Malnourished, that kind of thing. They said it might have lasting effects, like you not being able to have kids. It was a long time ago. Clearly, they were wrong."

"Clearly," said Sarah, looking down at her belly again. "You never thought to tell me? That's something I had the right to know, yeah?"

"You never asked. Sarah, for all the years you and Felix spent wondering about your real families, you never once asked me."

She sighed. Mrs. S was right. She had spent most of her childhood wondering about her parents. What was the point of asking? Mrs. S wasn't a babysitter. Where's my mum? When's my mum coming home? Foster kids knew their foster parents didn't have the answers and curiosity led to teenage mothers, and drug addicts, and abuse, and poverty, and disappointment. No one was looking. She couldn't help but dream, though she knew no one was coming.

"My medical history would've been good to know."

"You left before I got the chance to tell you."

Again, Mrs. S was right. Sarah closed her mouth.

"I'm not trying to start a fight. You asked what I was thinking."

"I know. I just…" she didn't have a way to finished the sentence. "I'm going back to sleep. I'm completely exhausted."

"Alright, see you in the morning."

"Night. And thanks."

Mrs. S nodded.

Sarah crept back upstairs, pulled off the jeans, and slipped back into bed. She lay on her back. The room was only half way lit. The sun had only just setting outside, so only a little of light rimmed the windows. She ran a finger in a spiral around and around her belly.

"I'm going to do my best, yeah?" she whispered. "It's all I can promise."

She rolled over onto her side and curled around her stomach. She might have cried herself to sleep if she had been the kind of girl who cried herself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah slept through night. She probably would’ve slept through most of the day if Mrs. S hadn’t come to wake her. Sarah mumbled into the pillow when Mrs. S shook her shoulder. 

“Come on, Sarah. I made you an appointment at the clinic. It’s in a hour,” Mrs. S said. 

“What time is it?” asked Sarah. 

“A little after nine. C’mon.” 

Sarah sighed and dragged herself out of bed. Mrs. S waited until Sarah was standing up before leaving. Sarah was tempted to fall back into bed. They used to play this game every morning for school. Sarah was still tired; she still felt like she could sleep for a few more days. She was also interested and terrify of what the doctor at the clinic might say. Her mind was awake. There was no point and pretending she would actually be able to fall back asleep. 

She showered and dressed in more old clothes without taking the time to examine herself. She pulled on another pair of black jeans and an oversized, plaid button down. She went downstairs to find Mrs. S. 

“Well, that was much easier than it used to be,” said Mrs. S. 

Sarah shrugged. She wanted to say something about being grown up now, but she didn’t think it was true. 

Mrs. S made a face at the shrug, but didn’t comment. She handed Sarah a cup of tea and a banana. 

Sarah took the tea, but waved away the fruit. “I’m not hungry.” 

“You need to eat something.” 

She gave in with little fight and took the banana. She was ready to defer to Mrs. S for just about everything. She had her breakfast and then it was time to go. Couldn’t she just stay here? In the bubble where her being a mother was a not fact, but a guess? She was drained on every level. She again deferred to Mrs. S. If Mrs. S said it was time to go, Sarah went. 

She climbed into the passenger seat of the beat up truck that Mrs. S bought two days after they left England. They rode in silence. 

Fear was slowly consuming Sarah. It was getting hard to shallow. She could hear her heart beating in her ears. What if the kid wasn’t healthy? What if she’d already fucked it up? She’d done her best once she’d noticed the round belly and connected it to how tired and sick she’d been feeling. But how long had she’d been pregnant? She’d been drunk. She’d been high. She’d been starving. She’d been knocked around. 

“Sarah?” 

She looked up. The car was parked in front of the clinic. Mrs. S was out of the car and staring at her across the driver’s seat. They’d arrived and Sarah hadn’t noticed. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m coming.” 

She had to force herself out of the car. She felt light headed. She swayed as she came around the car. She had to reach out for her foster mother. 

Mrs. S took the out stretched hand and placed it firmly on her arm. “You alright, love?” 

“Yeah, I probably should’ve eaten something else. I’m fine.” She let go of the support. 

Still, she kept close to Mrs. S and sat down as soon they were in the reception area. Mrs. S went to the little window to get the paperwork. 

“Sarah Manning. At ten.” The clipboard was handed over. “And do you have anything to eat? I think her blood sugar is a low.” 

“Oh sure,” answered the nurse. “I’ll see what I can find.” 

Mrs. S sat down next Sarah and nudged her with the clipboard. She sighed, but took it and started filling out the information as best she could. 

The nurse came by a few minutes later. “I couldn’t find anything to eat that wasn’t someone’s lunch, but there is some orange juice. That’s should help.” 

“Thank you,” said Sarah and accepted the paper cup. She downed it in one gulp and didn’t feel any better. 

They waited, still in silence. The clinic was busy. Women, mothers, children filled most of the seats. The room was noisy and that was somehow a comfort for Sarah. It kept out of her head. She watched two little boys banging on a toy with all kinds of buttons on the top that played different sounds. It was meant much younger kids. They were having fun until their mother snapped at them for making too much noise. 

Another nurse called for Sarah. Mrs. S gave her a looked that asked, ‘Do you want me to come?’ Sarah shook her head. 

“I’ll be alright,” said Sarah and followed the nurse without turning around. 

She was led to an exam room and asked to undress. The doctor came in ten minutes later. 

“Hi, Sarah. I’m Doctor Hall. What can I do for you?” Dr. Hall took a few steps close and saw the bruise Sarah’s face. “What happened here?” She pulled rubber gloves out of her pocket and started probing the spot gently. 

Sarah winced, but only a little. “Wrong place, wrong time. There’s this one too.” She opened the hospital gown enough so the doctor can see the other bruise on her side.

Dr. Hall began examining that one too. “So, it wasn’t your husband or boyfriend? We have resources here that can help.”

“No, it wasn’t anything like that. Some asshole—I mean some jerk thought I’d taken something. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Nothing appears to be broken.” 

“I know,” answered Sarah too quickly. “It doesn’t matter. I think I’m pregnant. That’s why am here.” She left the gown fall open, exposing her stomach. 

“Okay, how far long would you guess?” There was no judgment or surprise in the doctor’s voice. Another small comfort. 

“Probably a few months. I haven’t really, um, taken care of myself. I’m scared.” Sarah blurred out the last part without thinking. 

Still, no judgment from the good doctor. “Well, let’s see what going on before we jump to any conclusions.” 

Sarah sat through the exam without saying anything. She didn’t have any words. 

“Okay,” said Dr. Hall when she’d finished the long process. She handed the blood tests to a nurse. “Send those to the lab.” She turned back to Sarah. “We’ll be back with the results soon. Are you doing okay?” 

Sarah nodded. 

“Do you need anything?” 

“I’d like my—” she hesitated. She never knew what to call Mrs. S. “Can the woman I came with wait with me?” 

“Sure,” sad the nurse. “I’ll get her on my way back. You can get dressed.”

Sarah pulled her clothes back on as slowly as possible. She needed something distract herself. As long as she was focused on buttoning her flannel shirt, she didn’t have to think about the tests being run or the images of her baby she was about to see. 

She perched on the edge of the exam table, staring at her feet. Her toes didn’t reach the floor. ‘Stop think,’ she told herself. ‘Don’t jump to conclusions.’ She was clean now. She was doing her best. 

She jumped as the door opened again. The nurse entered with Mrs. S in tow. 

Mrs. S gave Sarah a concerned look. 

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Sarah said in answer. “I just didn’t want to wait alone.” 

Mrs. S sat down on the stool. She didn’t comment. She probably guessed at how hard it was for Sarah to even admit she didn’t want to be alone. The nurse left again. 

“What did she say?” asked Mrs. S. 

“Nothing, really. We’re just waiting on the tests.” 

The door opened again and the doctor came back into with a technician. She had on different colored scrubs than the nurses. 

Dr. Hall sat down on another stool. “Well, Sarah, you were right. You’re pregnant. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” said Sarah, though it felt empty. 

“I’m going to level with you. The tests weren’t great.” 

“Is my baby okay?” She clutched at Mrs. S. Her foster mother took her hand and held on. 

“I mostly worried about you. You have to be healthy in order to care for your baby. But it’s not too late. I’m not really worried. Yet. We have to get you back on track.” 

Sarah nodded, not trusting herself to speak at first. She let out a short breath. “I’m trying.” 

“That’s good. We’re going to get you on a good diet and vitamins. We’ll have you come in for a couple of extra appointments. This is good for both you and your child. I have to ask, though. You’re clean now?” 

Sarah held her breath for a second, suddenly wishing Mrs. S wasn’t in the room. 

Dr. Hall kept talking. “Sarah, I know what withdraw looks like. You’re over the hard part. You just have to stay that way.” 

“Yes, I’m clean.” 

“Good. Do you have a support system in place?” Dr. Hall looked at Mrs. S. 

“She does,” said Mrs. S at once. 

Sarah gave her hand a slight squeeze. 

“Good,” Dr. Hall said again. “These are all good answers. We’re going to do the ultrasound now. I’ll be back to go over everything in a little while.” She got up to leave. 

“Thank, Doctor,” said Mrs. S. 

“Yeah, thanks,” said Sarah. 

She nodded, smiled, and left, closing the door behind her. 

“Lay back and lift up your shirt,” said the tech as she dimmed the lights. 

Sarah did as instructed. 

“Do you want to know the sex?” asked the tech. 

“Can you tell?” asked Sarah. 

“Maybe. It depends on how far along you and the baby’s position.”

Sarah looked at Mrs. S. “It’s up to you.” 

“Yeah, alright then. If you can tell.” 

“Okay, let’s take a look.” 

The tech squeezed the cold gel onto Sarah’s exposed stomach and placed the probe to her skin. The screen jumped to life. A few seconds of just noise and then the strong, steady thump, thump, thump. 

Sarah’s jaw dropped it. That was it. She was gone. Everything was different. There was a new normal. She had thought that this was the only thing that was important, but now it was true. She didn’t even try and fight it. She was a mum. It was different now.

“Wow,” whispered Mrs. S. 

“Wow,” echoed Sarah. 

The tech started marking things on the screen. “There’s the head and the spine,” she pointed with the curser. “She’s in a good position.” 

“She?” asked Sarah. 

“I don’t see any boy signs. It’s a girl.” 

“A girl. Holy shite.” 

“God, help us,” said Mrs. S, but she squeezed Sarah’s shoulder affectionately. 

“Everything looks pretty good,” the tech said. “You’re at just over five months. A little more than half way there. She’s a little small.”

“Is she okay?” asked Sarah. 

“We’ll let the doctor give the final word, but I think so.”

Sarah let out a sigh. “I’m going to do better. She’s going to be perfect.” 

Mrs. S gave her shoulder another squeeze. 

“I haven’t felt her moving or anything. Is that bad?”

“Not for first time mothers. You probably felt it and didn’t know what it was. The first movements feel like pop corn or bubbles,” said the tech. 

Sarah still couldn’t think of a time when she felt anything like that. She just nodded. 

The tech finished the exam. Doctor Hall came back and looked over the ultrasound herself. She came to same conclusions. She gave Sarah a long list of dos and don’t. Then, the tech gave Sarah a printout from the ultrasound. It was just a little black and white image and all she could really make out was the shape of the head. 

Sarah held the image against her chest as she set up another appointment. Then, she followed Mrs. S back to the car. The drive back to the house was still quiet, but Sarah was starting to feel more like herself. She flipped on the radio. It was already set to the rock station. She looked over at Mrs. S and almost smiled. Not everything had changed. 

There was a bike laying in the front yard. Sarah saw it as she got out of the truck. She knew who would be waiting inside. It would be Felix. 

She’d been waiting for him to show up. He called right away, but then had to play it cool. He had waited twenty-four hours. But now he would be sprawled out on the couch, waiting for Sarah to appear. 

He was exactly where she thought he’d be. Felix jumped up as soon as he heard the back door open. 

“Hey Fee, long time no see,” Sarah said. 

As quickly as he got up, he moved more slowly as he got to her in the kitchen. He pulled her into a big, tight hug. 

“Hey, sister,” he said. 

“How ya been?” 

He let go. “Good. I’ve got a loft downtown now. You should come and see it sometime.”

“I’d like that. I’m gonna stick around, yeah?” 

“You better. The real question is how are you?”

“Ah, it’s a long story, Fee.”

“A walk?” said Felix. 

Sarah nodded and turned right back around. Felix followed. This was their thing. Though, when they were kids, Sarah would usually go screaming from the house and Fee would follow to calm her down. They were never more honest then on their walks. 

Mrs. S didn’t try to stop them. She had expected this as much as Sarah had expected Felix to be waiting. “I’ll reheat the soup for lunch when you get back,” she called after them. 

Felix paused just long enough to say, “Thanks, Mrs. S.” 

She nodded back and waved them away. 

They waited until they rounded the corner before Felix spoke.

“So, sister, what’s going on? It’s been like year,” he said. 

Sarah didn’t answer. She just pulled out the ultrasound photo and handled it to him. He took it. She watched the comprehension spread across his face. 

“Sarah? Holy shit, Sarah! Oh my fucking God.”

“Yeah, Fee, big news.” 

“You’re pregnant?” 

“It’s a little girl.”

“Holy shite, Sarah.”

“That’s what I said.” 

“It looks like a...what’s it call? A sea monkey.” 

That earned him a punch in the arm. 

“Hey, that’s my kid,” she said and snatched the picture back and slipped it back into her pocket carefully. 

“Okay then, it’s looks like a regular monkey.” 

“Don’t make fun of her. She is my monkey, Fee.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He threw an arm over her shoulder for a moment. 

“This is serious,” she said. 

“I know,” he said and was quiet for a while. “What are you going to do, Sarah?” 

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. She’s mine, you know? Like properly mine. But she can’t grow up the way we did. She’s not going to bounce around. I don’t know if I can do it though.” 

“You’ve always taken care of other people. That’s why I’m in this country, remember? You wouldn’t leave me behind. You looked after me. You’re good at that.” 

“I’ve done such a great job of taken care of myself. Or her so far.” 

“You’ve been gone a long time. I don’t just mean the time since I’ve seen you last. But you’re here now. You left. You got out.”

“I’m still a mess.” 

“Aren’t we all?” he said. 

“Not in the way I am, Fee. Sad orphan girl with no family, who parties too much and didn’t know she was pregnant for five and a half bloody months.” 

Felix looked hurt. “You have me. I’m family.”

“You are family, brother. You know what I meant. The only thing that missing with you is blood. It doesn’t make a difference, but it’s still a fact.” 

They walked in silence for a while. They had already passed Mrs. S again, but didn’t stop. Their wandering took them to the elementary school a few blocks away. It was recess or morning break or something because the kids were out on the playground. Sarah couldn’t stop staring. 

She felt like a mum in a movie, watching the kids play and thinking about her own. As if somehow seeing happy children would give her all the answers or straighten her life out. She would just have to figure it out. 

“One day at a time,” she said aloud suddenly. 

Felix looked at her. “What?”

“It’s what we used to say when we first moved here, remember?”

“Yeah, it’s just I haven’t heard it in a long time.” 

“We hated it here at first. So, we used to just take it one day at a time.”

“One day at a time.” 

They said the phrase at the same time. 

“I just have to take up the philosophy again,” she said. “I’m staying with Mrs. S. I guess get a job or something.”

“Eww,” Felix said. 

“I know. I can’t hustle with a baby.” 

“Still, eww.”

“Yeah, eww. Alright, I’m freezing. Let’s go back, yeah?” 

He linked his arm with hers. “Alright.” 

They were walking up the front path to Mrs. S’s when Felix finally spoke again. “You’re going to be a good mother, Sarah. I know you will.” 

She leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment. “Thanks, Fee.” 

Inside, the house was warm and smelled of soup and felt very much like a real home. 

“Lunch will be ready soon,” called Mrs. S from the kitchen. 

Sarah and Felix settled family room to wait. They should’ve offered to help, but sometimes they still acted like teenagers. They still flopped onto the couch like teenagers. 

“Hey, can I see it?” asked Felix. 

Sarah lifted her head off the pillow. “See what?” 

“Your belly.” 

She gave him a weird look, but lifted up her shirt. Felix just sort of stared. 

“Weird. You’re positively glowing.” 

She chucked a pillow at him. “Oi, shut up.” 

“You be nice to your sister,” yelled Mrs. S. 

Felix got up and wandered into the kitchen. “I wasn’t being mean. I was saying Sarah looks beautiful, glowing really.” 

“And I said shut up,” said Sarah and got up too, only to drop into one of the chairs in the kitchen. 

Mrs. S and Felix kept talking, but Sarah got distracted. She pulled the ultrasound picture out of her pocket again. A daughter. 

She caught Mrs. S watching her. She motioned to the fridge. She stood up again and stuck the photo on the metal surface with a magnet. It was different and rather screwed up, but she did have some kind of family. 

Mrs. S, still watching, nodded in approval. 

“I still think she looks like a monkey,” said Felix. 

This time, he got two smacks.


	3. Chapter 3

Sarah leaned forward and passed the cab fare through the window. The driver was a big, thick man with a beard. His cab smelled like French fries.

"Are you sure you're going to be all right?" he asked.

Sarah fought the urge to roll her eyes. Never before had a cabbie asked her if she was going to be okay. They usually wanted her out of their car as quickly as possible. Her round, pregnant belly had an effect on everyone.

Her belly was still small; no one would guess she was almost seven months pregnant. Though, she couldn't get her leather jacket zipped anymore. She was definitely showing. She felt enormous. She could barely find any clothes that fit. She moved in a different way now. She couldn't get used to the shift in her gravity.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," she said.

She climbed out of the car rather awkwardly and stepped onto the sidewalk. It was not at all what she was expecting. It was large, brick building with lots of windows. She'd been surprised when Felix had given her the address. It was an expensive neighborhood.

A doorman in uniform held the door for her. She had to be announced. She gave her name and he called up to the apartment. Then, he directed her to the elevators. She rode it to the fourteenth floor. How the hell could Felix afford this place?

Sarah knocked on apartment B. She pulled nervously on the bottom of her shirt as she waited.

He threw open the door with a grand gesture. "Welcome!"

"Thanks, Fee." She didn't stop herself from rolling her eyes this time.

The apartment was spacious and impeccably decorated. She stepped directly in the living room. The furniture was fine and leather. The walls where lined with bookshelves filled with books, of course, and tastefully treasures from around the world. A half wall separated it from the kitchen. She could see stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.

"Whose apartment is this?" she asked, staring around.

"Okay, you caught me. It's Carl's, but he's always traveling and he let's me stay for free."

"Who's Carl?"

"He's my benefactor. He likes my paintings and other things." He gave her a sly smile. "I guess you could say I'm a kept man."

"You're eighteen."

"Yeah? And?" He crossed his arms defensively. "That's old enough to leave Mrs. S's legally, which may I remind you left way before. It's old enough to know how I want to live."

"Okay. I'm sorry, yeah? I love it." She reached over for a hug and also planned a kiss on his cheek. She couldn't seem to help being affectionate with everyone. She couldn't stand any animosity. Even she and Mrs. S were getting along.

She followed him around the apartment for the tour. The rest was equally as finished. Though, she only half listened, hoping that her 'wows' and 'that's cool, Fee' were well timed.

It had been a month since Sarah had gone back to Mrs. S's and this was the first time she'd ventured away from home. It was strange, like introducing her new self to the world. Sarah, the mother. It was an entirely new perception. She wasn't used to it in private and now it would out there for everyone to see.

Unconsciously, she rubbed her belly. She realized the baby hadn't really been moving much. She was a very quiet kid. Something the doctor commented on, but everything else was okay. So, Sarah didn't worry as long as the kick count was consistent. Or at least that's what the books said. Sarah usually had to be very still for feel anything. Or eat something sweet. That could get her going.

"You're not paying any attention," said Felix.

Sarah had stopped even pretending to listen. "What? Sorry."

They were back in the living room. He dropped onto the couch and tossed a pillow in her direction. "I just gave you the whole tour and you weren't listening."

"It's not complicated." She scooped up the pillow and threw it back before settling next to him.

He raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You look good, Sarah."

"Stop it," said Sarah. That was not what she had expected him to say.

"I mean it. Like a hundred times better."

"Thanks, Fee." She rolled her eyes again. But he was right. She gained a little of the weight back and she'd noticed that her eyes had lost that hollow, haunted look. She rubbed her belly without realizing. Steady meals, a steady place to sleep could do that.

He leaned over and put his cheek on her stomach. "Hello, monkey. It's Uncle Felix."

She lifted her arms out of the way and shook her head. He had to do this every time her saw her. He was the only person beside Mrs. S and her doctor who she would let touch her belly.

"I bet you would've liked the tour. You keep your mum awake tonight as a punishment."

"Speaking of tonight. What's the plan?"

He sat up again. "No plans, sister. We're staying in."

"Oh man, I didn't think I'd ever hear those words come out of your mouth."

"Fine. You laugh. I'm only going to say this once and if you repeat it, I'll deny everything."

"Alright, go on."

"I've missed you. I wanted you to myself tonight. It took me a month to get you out of Mrs. S's."

"I missed you too, Felix." Avoiding his eyes, she reached over and put a hand on his leg. He covered it with his own.

"There's sometime I want to do first. Something I need to do. I need your help," she said.

"What is it?"

She finally looked at him. "Sherry called. She still has my stuff. It's only a backpack, but it's all I have. Would you come with me to get it? I can't go back alone."

"Of course, Sarah."

"Thanks, Fee. I just need some back up."

He sighed. "I don't know what that means."

She didn't think she could do it without him. She wasn't going back. That wasn't what she was worried about. Well, she wasn't worried about it right now. She had her kid to take care of. But afterwards. She was scared about afterward. Could she even get a taste without being tempted? Hangout. Say hi. They'd say come back later. And she would. She'd be sober and she'd stay that way until her body was her own again. Then, she would keep going back.

"Well, let's get it over with," Felix said.

He stood up and held out a hand to her. She stared up at him for a moment before taking it and letting him pull her to her feet.

Sherry's apartment was close enough to walk to. Though, it crossed the invisible line to the one of sketchier neighborhoods. Sarah would be more at home there. She had to wait while Felix bundled up in his fabulous way. Sarah just pulled her leather jacket back on.

"Ready?" he asked though she'd been standing by the door for almost ten minutes.

She nodded.

"Come on then," he said. Again, as if she had kept him waiting.

Felix talked most of the way. Sarah was still preoccupied. She let him talk. She was still feeling strange. Out of body almost, like she was stuck between two people. The hustler and the mother. They were at odds at the moment.

"I can't believe you were so close," he said when Sarah pointed out Sherry's building.

"I hadn't been here very long. A couple of weeks maybe. I only came back when I started thinking I was pregnant."

"Where were you before?"

"Leave it out, Fee. I was a lot of places."

She pushed the buzzer for the apartment. No answer. She pushed it again and held the button down.

"If you do that again, I'm going to climb down the building and strangle you," came a very angry voice through the intercom. It cut off.

There was a pause. Then a much gentler voice answered. "Sorry about that. Hello?"

"It's Sarah."

The door buzzed at once. She yanked it open.

"Who the hell was that?" said Felix.

"Dunno," Sarah said.

They started up the stairs.

"This is a nightmare," whined Felix when they reached the third floor.

She smiled and thought she was glad he was there. Sherry's apartment was at the end of the hall on the fifth floor. Sarah stopped in front the door. She was hesitating. She put a hand on her belly and looked to Felix. He nudged her with his shoulder.

She knocked and then, took a deep breath. There was shuffling noises before someone opened the door. Sherry threw her arms around Sarah's neck as soon as she could get through the doorway.

"Oh God, I didn't know what happened to you. I was so worried," she said into Sarah's neck.

Sarah fought the urge to just shove her off. So worried? Why did they leave her alone at that party? Why did it take a month to get in touch?

"Yeah, I need to get out," said Sarah.

Sherry wasn't listening. She yanked Sarah into the apartment before letting her go. Felix slipped in behind them.

The one-bedroom apartment was dark and claustrophobic. At least, that's how Sarah felt now. It had been a refugee before. Now, it was just dirty and crowd and smelled of old beer and cigarette smoke. It was late afternoon, but everyone seemed to be just waking up. Sherry had an open door policy. People stayed the night. They stayed the weekend. They stayed for months.

A man Sarah didn't recognize was in the kitchen eating toast and two more people were stung out on the couch, covered in blankets. It was hard to tell who they were.

"Bryce told me what his roommate did you to. It sounded awful," said Sherry.

"Who's Bryce?" asked Sarah, finally detangling herself from Sherry's grasp.

"It was his party. The last time I saw you. He said Ted pushed you."

"He hit me. In the face."

Sherry gasped.

"Yeah, well, he thought I took his fucking drugs."

"But you would never!" shrieked Sherry.

Felix laughed. Sherry didn't know Sarah very well apparently. She didn't notice. She had this way of floating over everything. Nothing bothered her. Nothing seemed to hold her down.

"Sherry! Shut up!" yelled one of the men on the couch.

"Sorry, Vic," she said sweetly back and then whispered in Sarah's ear. "He's a bit hung over."

"You remember my brother," said Sarah.

"Well, hello Felix," said Sherry and then laughed at herself. "You guys want anything? There isn't much to eat, but there's booze and some stronger stuff."

"No," said Sarah forcefully.

Sherry gave her a strange look. Sarah didn't usually say no. She yanked on her shirt again. No one had noticed yet. This crowd didn't pay much attention to other people unless they were after something.

"Thanks, but we've got to be somewhere," said Felix. "In fact," he tapped his watch, "we don't have a lot of time."

"I really just came to get my bag," added Sarah.

"Okay, okay, another time. Your stuff's in my room."

Sherry led the way into the other room. The bed was unmade and the floor littered with clothes. It smelled of powerful candles though the scent wasn't identifiable. Unlike in the main room, where the windows were covered with thick, tie-die tapestries, Sherry's room was bright and sunny.

Felix settled by on a corner of the bed. He crossed his legs. Sarah stayed close to the door, which had closed behind them but not latched.

"Your bag got buried," Sherry was saying with her head inside the closet. "I called when I found it."

She pulled out the black backpack from under another pile of clothes and turned around. She actually looked at Sarah full on for what must have been for the first time. A moment later, the bag had hit the floor with a clunk and she dove towards Sarah again.

"OH MY GOD! Sarah, are you pregnant?" she said very loud and very shrilly. She grabbed Sarah's stomach.

This time, Sarah did push Sherry away from her. "Yeah," she said. "That's why I haven't been around."

"Oh my God, this is fucking amazing!" She clapped a hand over her mouth. "Pardon my language. I have to watch what I say with the baby in the room." She laughed and tried to reach for Sarah's belly again.

"Sherry!" the voice came from the other room.

Someone banged into the door. The man who had yelled from the couch shoved his way into the room. He barreled right into Sarah. She stumbled. Her feet got caught in the mess on the floor and she fell. She barely got her hands out in time and kind of landed on her shoulder and her side.

"Oi! She's pregnant, you asshole," yelled Felix and it was enough to make the man stop. He'd jumped up from the bed and at least a head taller than the man. Felix was almost useless in a fight, but the man didn't know that.

Felix was at Sarah's side before he'd finished speaking.

"I'm okay. I'm fine," she said, but she accepted the hand he offered.

"How's the monkey?"

"She's okay. I think." She rubbed her belly.

"Ah, shit, I'm sorry," said the man. "What do you have to do to get some quiet?"

"You're still drunk. Get out, Vic," said Sherry.

He didn't argue, just staggered away.

"You okay?" she said and reached for Sarah's belly again.

"Don't," said Sarah, warningly. Sherry jerked her hands away. "Everyone's always touching me. I'm just over it, yeah?"

"Okay. Sorry. It's just amazing. The miracle of life and all. Do you feel it, like, moving and stuff?" Sherry was once again demonstrating her ability to let things roll off of her.

Sarah shook her head. "Not really."

"Weird. Who's the dad?"

Sarah glanced at Felix before answering. He had jerked his glance towards his foster sister. But Sarah just shrugged.

Sherry actually giggled. Like water off a ducks back. "You had fun in the States, did you?"

Sarah's jaw tightened. She was done. She didn't want to be here. She was being pushed around again and now she was being laughed at.

"You ready?" he asked. "We have to go. We're probably going to be late."

"Yeah, coming," said Sarah. She scooped her bag off of the floor where Sherry dropped it and slung it over her shoulder.

"You really have to go?" asked Sherry, looking very disappointed.

"Yeah, gotta go," Sarah said. "Thanks though."

Felix was leading the way back to the door. Sarah followed. Sherry was still chattering and trying to convince them to stay.

He pulled open the door and stepped out into the hallway.

"Bye, Sherry. Thanks again," Sarah said. She let Sherry give her another hug.

"Bye, Sarah. You're always welcome. Bring the baby around after it's, ya know, born."

"Yeah, I'll let you babysit," said Sarah coolly.

"Really?" Sherry's voice went up a few octaves again.

Sarah didn't bother to answer such an idiotic question. She just left and led the way back down the steps.

"Are you really okay?" said Felix as he pushed open the front door.

"Yeah, I think so. Nothing hurts."

"Good. I thought you like Sherry and those guys."

"I do. Yeah, they're all right. It's not what I want to be around right now. I trying really hard, but it's all temptation," said Sarah.

Felix put an arm around her shoulders. "I'm proud of you, sister."

"I'm going to do right by this kid. I'm going to, Fee. I have to." She shrugged out of Felix's arm. "I'm hungry. Let's get a pizza."

"Yeah, alright. But no onions. Makes your breath stink."

She shoved him. "Oi!"

He laughed. "It's true."

She didn't argue. They walked side by side for a while in silence.

"Thanks for coming with me," said Sarah when they'd reached Felix's apartment.

"Any time. You didn't need me, but I was happy to tag along."

She didn't answer. Didn't need him? That wasn't true, but she couldn't make her mouth form the words. "C'mon. I want that pizza."

They spent the rest of the evening just being brother and sister. They watched a dumb movie. They teased each other and didn't talk about anything important. Sarah was still feeling strange. Perhaps even stranger. She only picked a single slice of pizza. It was early when Sarah announced she was tired. He must of known something was up because Felix didn't complain.

Sarah just pulled off her jeans and crawled into Felix's bed. She curled on her side with her arm across her stomach. Felix puttered around the apartment for a little while and then, when he thought she was asleep, slipped in beside her.

He used to do this when they were kids. He would leave before she woke up. He didn't know she knew even single time he did it.

She couldn't sleep. She couldn't get comfortable. Felix was snoring while she tossed and turned. Finally, she sat up. With her feet planted firmly on the floor, she rested her hands on her knees. She breathed slowly. The feeling wasn't going away. The voice that said something's wrong wasn't going away. It was little and she could've easily ignored it. She usually would've, but this was her kid.

A pain ran through her body. It was like a ripple. A single pebble was dropped and the pain spread out across her entire body. She felt in her fingertips and down to her toes. It started at her stomach. It was followed by a tightness that made her double over. She groaned.

Felix woke at once. "Sarah?" he said into his pillow.

She could barely get the words out. "Fee, something's wrong."

"What do you mean something's wrong?" Felix asked. He pushed himself up off mattress, fully awake now.

"The baby. I think—" She couldn't continue. Another pain spread across her body.

"I'm call Mrs. S."

Of course, Sarah didn't argue. He scrambled for his cell phone. He came around to her side of the bed and perched next to her. He was so close she could hear the phone ringing.

"What?" came Mrs. S very groggy voice through the speakers.

"It's Felix."

"And?" They'd both made calls in the middle of the night. Many times. It was usually along the lines of 'Come bail me out.'

"Something's wrong with Sarah. She's in pain. Something with the baby. What do we do?"

"Put her on," said Mrs. S, also awake now.

Felix held the phone towards Sarah.

She took the phone and pressed it to her ear, using her shoulder so she could stay hunched over. It felt better that way.

"S," she said. "Something's wrong."

"Alright, love, tell me what's going on." She was steady, calm even.

Sarah took a deep breath. "It just doesn't feel right. It hurts. Is it contractions? It can't be contractions. It's too early. Siobhan, what do I do? God, she can't come yet. It's too—"

"Sarah!" Mrs. S's voice cut through Sarah's panic. "You're both going to be fine. Alright? Do you hear me? But you need to get to hospital. You need to call an ambulance. I can't do anything from here. I'll meet you there. Give the phone back to Felix."

Sarah didn't say anything, but held out the phone to her brother. Felix took it back quickly.

"Yeah?" he said.

Sarah could still hear both sides of the conversation.

"You need to call for an ambulance."

"Jesus."

"If she thinks it's early labor, then trust her gut."

"Jesus," he said again.

"Felix, keep her calm. You've always been good at that. She and your niece need that right now. You be there and you hold her hand. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I will. I'm hanging up now."

He pulled the phone away from his ear just long enough to dial 911. He got up from the bed and started pacing, gathering their clothes as he went. Sarah couldn't hear whoever was on the other end. Someone answered because after he rattled off his address he said, "My sister's in labor, I think. She's only six months pregnant. We need an ambulance."

Sarah lost the thread of the conversation. The pain came back. She had to do everything to focus on just breathing.

Felix appeared beside her. He started rubbing her back. "It's going to be okay. You'll see."

"Fee, something's really wrong. What do I do? I can't lose her."

"She's going to be alright. Help is on the way."


	4. Chapter 4

The ambulance ride. The hospital. Paramedics. Doctors. Nurses. Blood draws. IVs. Tests. They poked and examined and hooked Sarah up to monitors and asked her all these questions. It was all movement and sound and pain and fear.

She felt like she was a thousand miles away. This is happening to someone else. She only felt the pain. It had dulled, but it radiated with every heartbeat. She started to cry. Not heavy sobbing, but enough to splinter the lights and make everything even more confusing.

The IV drips much have started kicking in because moments began to flash in front of Sarah's eyes. She couldn't settle. She couldn't focus. She was just scared. Fear kept everything else at arms length. Far away and untouchable. She was so scared of losing something she didn't have yet. This little person who didn't have a face or a name, but was the only thing that matter.

Someone tried to take another bloodsample and she yanked her arm away. She didn't mean to. She knew they were trying to help.

"Sarah, you need to relax. You have to let us work." She couldn't tell who was speaking.

Rationally, Sarah knew that. She couldn't stop her reactions. "What are you doing? Please, tell me!" She was so far over her head.

"Doctor, her heart rate," a nurse warned.

"Get the brother," said one of paramedics, still hovering by the door, hoping to help maybe. "He calmed her down in the rig."

And Felix appeared. "I'm here, sister. They made me wait in the hall. They said give them room. I'm here now."

Sarah sighed and let the nurse have her arm. She felt like a wild animal, trapped and cornered. Helpless. Felix wouldn't let them hurt her or her baby. He was watching.

She gave into the sedatives. Or they upped the dose. Her eyes rolled back and she knew nothing for a while.

The room was half lit. Or it wasn't a room. A curtain separated the bed from the larger room. The light spilled over the top. She was on her side. She moved around a little testing her body very carefully. The pain was gone. She was stiff and achy, but it was the kind of feeling that came after a trauma. She'd been a car accident when she was sixteen. She wasn't badly hurt, but she'd felt the same way for a week or so afterward. She could also feel an IV in her arm and a heart monitor on her finger. Another kind of monitor was strapped around her belly. She could hear two separate beeps from the machines. She watched the faster of the two monitors for a moment.

"Fee?" Sarah said. Her voice was hoarse, like she'd been yelling.

"I'm here, Sarah." He leaned forward and she saw him more clearly.

"She's going to be okay, right?"

"Hey, it's over. They knocked you out. I wouldn't mind some of those drugs. They work quickly."

"No jokes, yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make you smile."

"I know. It's just not going to work."

"The doctor will be back soon. He said you and monkey are stable."

The curtain slid open. Mrs. S came into view. She moved close to the bed and gently rubbed Sarah's cheek with the back of her fingers.

"Oi, oi," she said as softly as her touch. "I'm sorry it took me so long. It was the usual fight over whether or not I'm family. How are you doing, love?"

Sarah shrugged against her pillow. "I don't know. It doesn't hurt anymore."

Felix was far more capable of being articulate. "They're running tests. The doctor said she was stable for now, but they had to give her all sort of drugs."

Mrs. S brushed Sarah's hair behind her ear. "It's going to be okay. Stable is a good sign."

"I'm still scared," Sarah said.

"I know. I know. But this was just that. A scare. You're going to be fine."

Sarah just sighed. Mrs. S settled herself in the other empty chair. The three of them stayed quiet. Sarah was even able to rest for a little while. She didn't sleep, not really, but dozed a little. She couldn't really identify the feeling, but she felt better with Mrs. S there.

When the sun was beginning to rise, the doctor came back, a nurse with an ultrasound machine in tow.

Sarah sat up carefully. She was still afraid of doing anything that might cause the whole thing to start again. Both Mrs. S and Felix were wide awake.

"The tests look good. Your baby isn't showing any signs of distress. The heartbeat is within the acceptable range. I'm encouraged," the doctor said. "I was worried about a placenta previa, which can be very serious. But there was no bleeding. Another good sign. Things seem to be stable and staying that way. We'll do another ultrasound just to take a look and see if we can just get her to be a like more active. That's the only thing I'm concerned about."

"What was the matter?" asked Sarah on the verge of tears again. She was still unable to really believe everything might be okay. She was never this lucky.

"Unfortunately, I don't have all the answers. It probably was early labor. The drugs have stopped it. We'll keep you here for the rest of the day and I'm recommending light bed rest for a month. But I think we're out of the woods."

"My history catching up with me," said Sarah. She was only speaking to Mrs. S.

"This isn't your fault," Mrs. S answered. "Isn't that right, Doctor?"

"It just happens sometimes. It might have been the fall. We'll probably never know, but it's no one's fault. It was good you called the paramedics so quickly. Your actions might've saved your baby. Try to think of it that way."

Sarah looked at Felix. He had really been the one who acted quickly. She hoped her understood how grateful she was.

"What history?" said the nurse.

Sarah looked at the woman sharply, trying to deicide what her interest was. "I didn't know I was pregnant. I partied."

"Drugs?" she asked.

"How is that relevant?" snapped Felix.

"The most information we have the better we can treat the patient," said the nurse.

Sarah didn't like this woman.

"It's okay, Karen. There was nothing in her system," said the doctor. "Let's just do the ultrasound."

The woman rolled her eyes behind the doctor's back, but she said nothing. She set up the equipment. Sarah pulled up the hospital gown. The nurse removed the fetal monitor from around Sarah's belly. One of the monitors beside the bed stopped beeping. She squeezed the cold jelly onto Sarah's very around stomach and the doctor placed the wand against her skin.

The shadowy outline of her child appeared on the screen. The heartbeat echoed in its strange underwater way. Sarah marginally relaxed. To be able to see her daughter made her feel a little better. A small section looked like it was fluttering. It was the baby's heart. Sarah had learned what to look at her last regular appointment. Then, the nurse handed the doctor what looked like a Taser.

Sarah eyed it suspiciously. "What is that?"

"It vibrates and wakes the baby up. We want to see her moving."

He put it against her skin and pressed the button. It buzzed loudly. Sarah felt the vibration throughout her torso. That would wake anyone up.

The baby gave several strong kicks in the area where the buzzer touched her skin.

"I don't think she likes it," said Sarah, surprised at how powerful the kicks were.

"That's the exact reaction we wanted," said the doctor.

The baby was still moving. Sarah guessed she was trying to get back to a comfortable position. She could watch her daughter on the screen. It was a strange doubling. The baby's movements were not usually so strong. She usually only readjusted herself. If Sarah lay don't, the baby moved around. If Sarah stood up, the baby moved again. Sarah never felt the kind of kicks that woke her up or encouraged people to put their hands on her stomach, though that didn't stop them.

"I'm going to sign off on your paperwork. One of the nurses will come talk to you about bed rest. You can go home in a few hours," said the doctor.

"She's going to be okay?" Sarah said, both needing to hear him stay and dreading what the answer would be.

"I would yes, but I can't make any promises."

She sighed as if she had been holding her breath the entire time. "Thank you," she said.

"Of course," he answered. "You get some rest."

He nodded to Mrs. S and Felix and then left. Almost at once, Sarah curled down against her pillow.

"Do you need anything?" asked Mrs. S.

Sarah had already closed her eyes. "I just want sleep."

"Okay, you rest then." Mrs. S tucked her hair behind her ear again.

"What about me?" said Felix, crossing his arm. He looked like he a six years old again and he was pissed that Sarah was getting a treat.

"You shut your gob," said Mrs. S, rolling her eyes and smiling at the same time. "You've not just been through hell."

"Yeah, but I didn't sleep either. I need my beauty rest," he said, sounding even more like child.

Sarah scouted over on the bed and lifted up the sheet. "C'mon," she said.

Felix's eyes lit up and he moved quickly to climb up next to his sister.

"Oh for heaven's sake. Felix, get off the bed," said Mrs. S rather half-heartedly. She knew he wasn't going to listen.

"It's fine," said Sarah.

"Alright, but you let her sleep. Do you hear me, Felix?"

"Yeah, alright," he said.

He was already spooning against Sarah. His lanky limbs curled around her. She felt safe. Her eyes closed.

"You two are children," Mrs. S said, still there was laughter in her voice.

"And proud of it," he said.

Sarah already felt sleep taking over. The lights turned out again. She slept.

Felix shifted on the mattress. Sarah grunted, still in between awake and asleep

"Sarah?" Felix said into her ear.

"Stop. I'm sleeping."

"No, there's—"

"I swear to God I will run you over in a wheel chair."

Someone cleared their throat. Sarah opened her eyes and lifted her head slightly. The nurse from the ultrasound was pulling open the curtain. She crossed her arms.

"Get out of the bed. It's for the patient," she snapped at Felix.

He scrambled up and flopped into one of the chairs. He gave the nurse a cool look.

A man was with her. He was an average looking white guy with greying hair. His smile was too big. He wasn't wear scrubs or a lab coat. Sarah, already suspicious of the nurse's motives, instantly became guarded.

"I'm Nurse Jones and this is Mr. Clay. He would like a word withyou," said the nurse.

The man stepped forward and offered her a handshake. "Kevin is fine. I didn't mean to wake." Kevin might not have meant to, but Sarah guessed Nurse Jones had in an attempt to catch Sarah off guard.

She ignored the outstretched hand. "What can I do for you, Kevin?" Sarah said and put unnecessary emphasis on his name.

"I work with the Children's Aid Societies. I'm a social worker." He dropped his hand.

She bristled. She had never met a social worker she could trust until Mrs. S. Most of them didn't know a damn thing. They took you away from good homes and put you in shitty ones. He was going to try and take her kid away or try to get her to put her up for adoption or set up a series of home visits.

"Felix, go find S right now," she said. The other chair had been empty when he woke.

"I don't want to leave you," Felix said.

"It's not like it's Mr. Creep. It won't be a problem." Mr. Creep was what she had called her last social worker before Mrs. S. He had been a fat man, who was too grabby.

Kevin frowned and dropped his hand. "I hardly think name calling is getting us to a good start," he said.

"I wasn't talking about you. He was my social worker when I was a kid."

"Ah," said Kevin. She could see the realization in his face. He'd probably lost already. She knew the system.

"Fee, go now," Sarah said.

He slipped around the curtain with an "I'll be right back."

Sarah focused her attention back to Kevin. She came off cold and calm, but it was a lot of false bravado. This man could cause serious problems. He could put Sarah back in the system as an unfit parent. He could suggest monitoring. He could take the baby away. She had made a promise to herself and to her child. Her daughter was not going to grow up like she did. This man could make her break that promise.

"I have nothing to say," Sarah said, more boldly than she felt. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"I know that," said Kevin. His too big smile was back.

He pulled up the doctor's stool and sat beside her. The nurse was still by the opening with her arms crossed.

"I just wanted to check in and see if there was anything I could do to help," Kevin said. "Sometimes it's hard for us to see all the options we have. I just wanted to talk over some of those options with you."

The nurse stepped forward. She pawed at Kevin's shoulder. "This isn't what we talked about," she said in a hushed tone that Sarah could obviously still hear. "The drugs. What about that?"

"Karen, please," he said.

"What drugs? There are no drugs," Sarah said. She was starting to panic. Where was Mrs. S? Felix better hurry up.

"You can relax, Sarah. We're just talking," Kevin said and ignored the giant sigh Karen let out.

"No, I can't relax because you're going to try and take my daughter away from me and I've done anything wrong."

"Why would you think we would take your baby away?"

"Because I've bloody seen it! I was in the system my whole life. I've done nothing wrong."

"You need to calm down, Sarah," said Karen.

"Don't talk to me," Sarah said, but she took a deep breath. She could hear the pace of the heart monitor quickening. "I didn't do anything. The doctor said so, yeah? It's all coming from her."

"You admitted to drug use. I can't ignore that," said Karen.

Kevin cut her off, "Nurse Jones is just looking out for you and you baby. She wants to make sure your both okay now and will be in the future."

"I said nothing about drugs. She put words in my mouth, yeah?" said Sarah.

"Have you ever seem a child born addicted to drugs?"

"I'm not an addict!"

The heart monitor was beating even faster, but Sarah could do nothing to calm herself. Fight or flight had taken over. Her daughter would not live like she had. Sarah would do whatever she could to make sure. If that meant running, then that meant running. She yanked off the monitor on her finger and started scrambling at the IV. Karen lunged forward and pulled her hand away.

"Don't! Don't touch me," Sarah said.

She was truly panicking now. The small part of herself that could remain rational knew that leaving now made no sense, did more harm than good. The other part of Sarah was telling her that if she ran now while her child was still safe, she might be able to get away for good. 'Run,' yelled the louder voice.

She ripped the sheet away from her legs and put one foot on the floor.

"Sarah Manning, you get your arse back in that bed," Mrs. S ordered.

Sarah froze. Mrs. S was in the doorway, looking very imposing and like a mother bear ready to devour anyone who came near her cubs.

"What is going on?" she demanded.

Sarah opened her mouth to answer, but Mrs. S cut her off.

"I wasn't talking to you. Get back in bed. Felix, help your idiot sister."

He did as he was told and Sarah let him. Felix grabbed her by the elbow and guided back into bed. He even tucked the sheets around her. Then, he stayed close.

"You're the social worker?" asked Mrs. S.

Kevin seemed to fold under her gaze. He nodded.

"I asked what's going on?"

"We were having a conversation, Mrs. Manning."

"It's Sadler. Siobhan Sadler. That didn't sound like a conversation."

"Sarah got a bit excited."

"That's all? It sounded to me like you were making accusations instigated by this nurse. I'll be speaking to your supervisor, dear. Don't make any mistake about that."

Beside her, Sarah felt Felix shutter slightly. It was never a good sign when Mrs. S called someone dear. It meant she was on a warpath and other person just didn't know it yet.

"No, no. Like I said, it was a simple conversation. I just want to look after the wellbeing of both Sarah and her child."

"They are looked after."

"How can you possibly guarantee that?" said Karen, apparently unable to keep quiet any longer.

Mrs. S didn't even bother to answer. She just shot a nasty look towards the woman.

"I'm not going to stand by and let you take her child away and put her up for adoption just so you don't have to worry about the home visits."

"Mrs. Sadler! That's—" started Kevin.

She cut him off too. "Fine, maybe you're one of the decent ones. Maybe you're not over worked and under paid and entirely over you're head."

"You're speaking from experience. I'm guessing?" Kevin said.

"I was a social worker for fifteen years in England during the Maggie Thatcher years, so you don't know what hard cases really are."

"Then you should understand why Sarah's defensiveness—and yours actually—are not filling me with confidence."

"It's not defensiveness. It's distrust. She lived her whole life watching you people make the wrong choices for the wrong reasons. Little men with a little power think they run the world. You take the word of this woman who's looking at a situation from the wrong end of a telescope and make trouble for my daughter. I won't have it."

Kevin just stared.

Something stirred in Sarah at the word daughter. She always felt there was a difference. Mrs. S was always her foster mother or her legal guardian. Mrs. S usually referred to her in a similar way. But sometimes, just every once and a while, something deep would pass between them. It was a feeling that Sarah usually was the one to run from. Today, however, it have her a surge of strength.

And Mrs. S wasn't finished. "She knows not to trust a broken system that has already failed her. She just wants to protect her daughter."

Kevin looked back and forth between the three women. He shrugged and let out a sigh. He'd lost. Big time. Yet Sarah felt no sense of victory. She was left exactly where she started. Still afraid. Still unsure.

"They want us to leave," he said to the nurse.

"But—" Karen.

"Just go." Kevin took her by shoulder and guided her out the door.

"Shit," said Felix.

Sarah didn't know what to say. She hunched down against her pillows. She waited for Mrs. S to look at her. She did eventually after she was sure Kevin and the nurse were gone.

"Thank you," Sarah said.

Mrs. S raised an eyebrow.

"I know," Sarah continued. She didn't need Mrs. S to even voice her reproach. "I'm sorry."

"I thought you understood when I let you into my home there would be certain expectations," Mrs. S said, almost as coldly as she had just spoken to the social worker.

"I know."

"You do not know. I've done this dance with you before. I finished cleaning up your messes. I am more than willing to help, but I am done bailing you out. This is your child. If she isn't your number one priority, you can start packing and I'll call the social worker back."

"She is! Siobhan, I freaked out. I just wanted to get out before my name ended up on his list. I know I wasn't thinking. I didn't say anything about drugs to that bitch nurse. She made the whole thing up."

"Not the whole thing," said Mrs. S.

That stung. Sarah was close to tears again. She choked them back and tried to keep her voice steady. "I'm trying to do the right thing. I've made her a promise and I'm going to keep it, yeah? I'm not going to lose her. She's not going to grow up like I did. I swear. It's been a hard day and freaked out."

She came and sat in the edge of the bed and took Sarah's hands in her own. "That was the right answer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened."

"I don't want to think about it. I just want to go home," said Sarah.

Mrs. S held on to Sarah. "You're going to be alright. You keep working at it and we'll keep be there every step."

The look on Mrs. S face was intense. Sarah didn't like it when she was like this. It was like flashlight and the beam was too bright.

Sarah didn't know what to say. She just repeated herself. "I just want to go home."

Mrs. S let go. "Okay, I see what's going on. If we have to sign you out against medical advice, then fine. I have a friend who's an obstetrics nurse. I have her meet us and get you settled." She stood up again.

"Thank you. Both of you," Sarah said.

Neither replied. Neither needed to. Mrs. S nodded and pushed her way back through the curtain.

Sarah lay back against the pillows again. She rubbed her belly with both hands. The baby kicked. Hard. Then, again. Harder than Sarah had felt it before. She gasped.

"What's the matter?" asked Felix.

"She kicked."

"See?" said Felix. "Monkey's saying, 'I'm okay, Mummy. Don't worry about me.'"

Sarah stared at the ceiling. The tears were threatening again. She could feel her lip shaking.

Felix noticed. He took her hand, but didn't say anything.

"She's the thing that matters most, yeah? I don't know how to explain it. She's everything that's good about me. She's not even here yet," Sarah said.

"Don't say that," he said. "Maybe you've made a few bad choices. We both have. With our sorted past, it's not a surprise. But you're a good person. Don't you think otherwise."

"Thanks, Fee. "You'll be there for her too, yeah?"

"What?"

"If something happens to me, if I'm gone, you'll be there her like you've been for me. Promise me."

"What are you talking about? You're not going anywhere."

"But if. I think Siobhan would take her. I think she already likes the baby more than me. But you'll teach my daughter all your sass, yeah? And you'll be the one person that she believes when you say it's going to be okay, yeah? Promise me."

"Sarah, you have nothing to—"

"Don't say worry about it. Just don't. I need to know she will be looked after no matter what. No social workers. No foster homes. Promise me."

"I promise." He leaned over and kissed her on the top of her head. "It's all going to be okay."

"Keep saying that."

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." He even said a few more times.

Finally, she shoves him away. "Enough. You are so annoying." She was smiling for the first time in a day.

"That's my job as your brother."

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, so please excuse any mistakes. I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading!


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